Mana's Musings

I recently finished reading one of the most inspiring, relevant, significant books I can remember reading in a very long time. As soon as you’re finished reading this blog post, click on the cover image for an Amazon link to order your own copy. Shameless plug, yes, but this book is that worth it.

In If You Have To Cry, Go Outside NYC public relations powerhouse Kelly Cutrone shares her story of a life that started with a childhood in Syracuse, New York and involved various bumps and adventures on the way to where she is today; that is to say, running fashion PR house People’s Revolution from Manhattan with locations all around the globe.

In all honesty I’d never heard of Kelly Cutrone before I picked up her book. She starred in a reality show called Kell on Earth which apparently showcased life on the inside of her company, but to the best of my knowledge it hasn’t yet aired in Canada. Anyway I was browsing at my local Chapters store and picked up the book because of its grab-you-by-the-balls title. I flipped through a few pages and came to the start of chapter eight:

My friends and I joke that I look like a homewrecker–the person who’s going to fuck your husband and eat your cat. Au contraire: I am a woman’s woman.

That’s all it took for me to spin on my heel and head for the checkout line.

A few days later, after slogging through a rather tedious and condescending book on personal finance I picked up Kelly’s book. By the end of the introduction I was riveted, and would end up cracking open a bottle of wine and reading the entire thing in a single evening. From the first chapter this book is shaped by her ballsy, straightforward I-take-shit-from-no-one attitude, and it was thoroughly refreshing.

Kelly Cutrone tells of leaving home at 21 to move to New York City, against the wishes of her parents who were intimidated by the city and all the chaos and moral failures contained within its limits. But move she did, based on nothing more than an inexplicable yearning to be there. She writes of her first visit to NYC at the tender age of 16:

I will never forget how, in that first visit, the energy of New York captivated my every sense. It was like I had stepped out of a boring silent film and into the greatest musical of all time, with the Radio City Rockettes kicking to the tune of Frank Sinatra’s ‘New York, New York,’ while seven thousand angels cried: ‘Kelly! You are home!’ I was hearing the sound of my inner voice, and it was not subtle. On midtown’s crowded streets, I felt electric, vibrant, and alive. I’d never seen a place where people from all over the world spoke different languages, where gay people walked down the street holding hands, and where acceptance was king. I sensed a purpose and vitality in people’s lives, not only because of how they looked and dressed, but by the way they walked and where they were going and how they were getting there. They were doing real things; they weren’t just circling the town in their station wagons, slowly growing old. Here the game was on, and if anyone didn’t like it they could just fuck off. I loved that.”

Having grown up in an insignificant mid-sized city with not a whole lot going on, I can completely relate. I’ve had moments like that in both Los Angeles and London, and it was refreshing to read another person’s account of having one of those “Yes! This is where I belong!” moments. The book winds its way through Kelly’s experiences in her twenties, dealing with a failed marriage and drug issues before her 30th birthday. But even as she relays the moments where things seemed to go horribly awry, she paints a picture of herself as a woman with an unwavering, deep-seated tenacity – and acceptance. When things weren’t working, she changed them. So what? You live life, you make choices, and if they don’t work you make new ones. Onward and upward.

I think all women need a voice like this in their lives. Whether you’re 19 or 49, we can all benefit from someone with a kick-ass attitude who tells you to quit snivelling, get yourself together and make your life work for you. That you don’t have to be a slave to whatever ideal anyone else in your life thinks you should aspire to, or what society tells you that you should be. That you can make your own rules and draw your own maps, figuring out what works for you and throwing back the rest. And Kelly’s book is 195 pages of that.

While reading it I whipped out my trusty pink highlighter and noted so many interesting passages that a significant portion of the text is now pink. This book is now my how-to manual for life.

In closing I’ll leave you with some of my favourite highlighted bits. Then just go buy the book, ‘kay?

“…This is when I learned you have to give up your life as you know it to get a new one; that sometimes you need to let go of everything you’re clinging to and start over, whether because you’ve outgrown it or because it’s not working anymore or because it was wrong for you in the first place.”

“If this book inspires you to do one thing, I hope it’s to…go balls out on intuition and follow your dreams. Dreams won’t always take you on a straight path to destiny, but they’re usually related to what your soul wants for you. They’ll force you to ask yourself the hard questions, they’ll kick your ass, and most importantly, they’ll turn you on.”

“If you don’t know exactly what fits into your life and what doesn’t, the best way to figure it out is to follow your inner voice away from what feels wrong and toward what feels right, whether that means moving to New York City on a whim at twenty-one, quitting your accounting job at thirty-five to be an actress, or ditching your job in fashion to swim with dolphins in Hawaii. These experiences won’t always take you on an express train to your true purpose and calling in life, but they’ll teach you lessons you’re supposed to learn.”

You get a job. You show up for work. Immediately you’re given a series of tasks to complete – the responsibilities of your role. And over time, you learn how to prioritize. You learn which requests should be dealt with first, which ones can wait, which ones can be completed in a short time frame and which ones will require more effort. I think prioritizing is a learned skill, but one that can indeed be nurtured with time.

But how do you apply that to life as a whole?

As I write this, I’m 25 years old. At 25, there are a lot of items on my to-do list for the next, say, 10 years. And after reflecting on it for the past while I’m starting to realize that by not prioritizing the things I want to accomplish/achieve/experience, I’m merely staying in neutral.

I want to get into a career that I genuinely enjoy. Call me a princess but I’ve had the experiene of waking up in the morning and wishing I was going in for dental surgery rather than going to my job, and I don’t particularly want to find myself in that situation again. I’m starting to get an idea of the sort of career I might really enjoy and succeed in, but it’s not something that happens overnight. And it could involve working for years at quite a low rate of pay. But then I have to consider what’s best from a purely financial perspective. While we lead a relatively comfortable lifestyle, my husband and I have financial goals we haven’t met yet. Financial goals that would benefit from me making as much money as possible in whatever sort of work I can find, even if it’s just to pay the bills and isn’t what I really want to do. So right off the bat I have career dreams conflicting with financial goals.

Then there’s geography. I don’t want to keep living in the same city – the same 15km radius – that I’ve lived my whole life. My husband and I want to move abroad. Which, of course, is a huge financial concern in its own right, and obviously affects our careers as well. On one hand it would be more financially responsible to stay put in this city where we already own a condo and have established roots. On the other hand, the idea of staying in this lifeless city with barely a fledgling cultural scene feels like it’s stifling me. The idea of waking up at age 40 still here in this city makes my stomach turn.

And then you add kids to the equation. My husband and I both want kids someday. Although we’re both quite certain that today isn’t the day for that, we’re aware that it’s something we’ll have to start thinking seriously about within the next five years or so. And kids affect all of the above considerations: career, finances, and geography. If we’re going to move somewhere we will want to be financially stable and settled before having kids. But we don’t exactly have all the time in the world for that.

Career, money, kids, geography. All important, all interconnected. How to prioritize? I don’t want to stay in neutral, but I’m also not ready to accept the idea of settling.

I’m a proud, card-carrying member of good ‘ol Generation Y. Depending on who you ask, that’s roughly defined as people born from around 1978 or so until about 1989. Give or take.

Myself and my fellow Generation Y peers are seen as being morally liberal, socially inclined, technologically savvy, and somewhat lazy. Many of us grew up with parents, teachers, and other role models who hammered the idea into our heads that we’re all special, we’re all beautiful, we’re all worth something, etc.

Wikipedia says:

The Millennials are sometimes called the “Trophy Generation”, or “Trophy Kids,” a term that reflects the trend in competitive sports, as well as many other aspects of life, where “no one loses” and everyone gets a “Thanks for Participating” trophy and symbolizing a perceived sense of entitlement. It has been reported that this is an issue in corporate environments.”Some employers are concerned that Millennials have too great expectations from the workplace and desire to shape their jobs to fit their lives rather than adapt their lives to the workplace.

In my own experience, this is true to a degree. I grew up in a world where you could still lose on Sports Day, get cut from the handbell choir or get a bit part in the school play. Then again, “thanks for participating” certificates were common. It sent the message that our effort was appreciated, even if it wasn’t the fastest/highest/strongest effort in the group.

So where does that leave us when we Generation Y members strike out into the world, and try to find a place for ourselves in the workforce?

I’m reading a book called How’d You Score That Gig? by Alexandra Levit. In the intro Ms. Levit writes:

“We twenty- and thirtysomethings today, though, are rather different in our expectations regarding job satisfaction. Our parents carefully nurtured our talents and self-esteem from babyhood and told us we could be anything we wanted to be. As adults, our career desires are directed toward finding meaningful work that helps others. In essence, we want to be “paid volunteers,” to join an organization not because we have to, but because we want to, because it allows us to do something significant with our lives. We’re highly concerned with our professional development and want to have the opportunity to make a significant impact at a young age.”

I was sitting in a café when I read that excerpt, and I actually exclaimed aloud to my book (much to the amusement of nearby patrons). “Yes, that’s exactly it!” While I think it’s inaccurate to suggest that an entire generation came of age in a world with parents who nurtured our talents and self-esteem, I think it’s fair to say that a number of us certainly grew up in that atmosphere. The “you can be anything you want to be” mentality is so pervasive that even if any particular set of parents didn’t buy into it, their Generation Y offspring grew up absorbing that message from other sources; friends, teachers, other community members. It’s ingrained.

The result of this is a generation now gaining a foothold in the workforce whose core beliefs are at odds with those of generations prior, baby boomers in particular. Baby boomers tend to believe that work is meant to be hard; it’s a badge of honour to toil away, punching the clock day after day at a job you don’t particularly enjoy just for the honour of getting a paycheque – no matter how unpleasant the work or how paltry said paycheque may be.

I can’t speak for my entire generation, but I just can’t seem to subscribe to that mentality. Maybe it’s basic Generation Y entitlement talking, but I’m firmly of the belief that I didn’t spend five figures on a post-secondary education to toil away at any old job just because it provides a paycheque. Our generation was immersed in the message that if you put in some effort and get an education, doors will open for you. And as a result, the idea of working just for the sake of working doesn’t resonate with me, or with many of my peers. Simply, we want work we get something out of; we don’t want work to feel like work.

My baby boomer mother recently told me to get a job as a Wal-Mart greeter. From my mother’s perspective, a job as a Wal-Mart greeter is no different than a job in corporate communications, journalism, entertainment management or promotions (all fields I’ve either worked in, or aspire to work in). In her eyes, a job is a job; it doesn’t matter if the work is engaging, if it pertains to one’s interests, or if the pay is more than minimum wage. She can’t wrap her head around the idea that to me, a job as a Wal-Mart greeter would feel like settling for less than I need in terms of career options. (No offense to all you Wal-Mart greeters out there; I hope you enjoy your work, and get some measure of satisfaction from it.)

So we Generation Y members head out into the world, heads full of ideas about how our purpose is to find that “right” job – something that engages us mentally, that takes advantage of our natural talents, pays a wage allowing us to live a relatively comfortable lifestyle, and allows us to wake up on Monday morning feeling optimism rather than dread. A tall order in the best of circumstances; even more lofty in light of a worldwide recession.

In 2006, the city I live in was in the throes of a massive economic boom. Real estate prices were skyrocketing at unprecedented rates, unemployment was at a historical low, wages were high and headlines screamed of labour shortages. People migrated here from all over the country hoping to find streets paved with gold, or at the very least readily available work. And they found it.

And then the bottom dropped out.

Yes, this city hasn’t been hit nearly as hard as many, many other places. Compared to California’s battered, bruised and broken economy, Calgary barely has a papercut. But we’re not unscathed; real estate prices are “correcting” (read: plummeting) and jobs are disappearing.

What’s a Generation Y employee to do?

In one ear we have baby boomers telling us to accept work, any work, no matter how mind-numbing, boring or low-paying. They tell us that waiting for jobs in our field or above a certain pay level is cocky, and we should be grateful for any chance to earn a dollar. This is contradicted by a strong voice on the opposite shoulder insisting that we deserve better, that the recession is merely a hurdle; once we jump over it the prospect of finding work that we are genuinely committed to is just beyond the horizon. It’s a direct contradiction. And it’s confusing as hell.

I had the opportunity to spend an afternoon recently volunteering on a project I felt genuinely, wholly invested in. I believed in the work I was doing, in the work those around me were doing, and was motivated to do the best I could possibly do. I wasn’t checking the clock; I was checking my work, mulling over ways to make it better. And I found myself thinking, wow. If I could find half this passion in something I could be paid to do, life would be grand indeed.

I just need to figure out how to get there.